For decades, society has promoted the idea that achieving a truly satisfying life hinges on maintaining perfect balance. We’re urged to harmonize our professional pursuits with personal connections, to juggle child-rearing responsibilities alongside career aspirations, and to blend ambitious objectives with a sense of thankfulness. However, here’s a perspective that might challenge conventional wisdom:
The notion of balance is largely illusory.
Even more troubling, this pursuit frequently instills a sense of inadequacy in driven individuals, making them feel as though they’re perpetually falling short. Truthfully, the endeavor to excel in every domain and please everyone invariably breeds bitterness, fatigue, and persistent uncertainty about one’s worth.
Attempting to Handle Everything Simultaneously
Allow me to recount a personal anecdote that illustrates this point vividly.
Flash back to November 2017, during an ordinary day in my bustling New York City routine. I was spearheading the brand marketing efforts for a publicly traded corporation while managing the demands of three young children, all under four years old.
My day began at the break of dawn. I slipped into an exquisite Rent-the-Runway gown that I could scarcely afford outright. After delivering my eldest daughter to her preschool on the Upper West Side—leaving the younger two with our nanny—I dashed to catch the subway, clutching a pre-ordered Venti Iced Latte from Starbucks. I arrived at my office in the financial district, where I dashed repeatedly between a cramped closet serving as a lactation room and high-stakes discussions with engineers, product leads, marketing colleagues, and editorial staff.
Throughout, I ensured our project roadmap advanced steadily, all while extracting the vital nourishment for my plump, red-haired infant back home. Once finished pumping, I’d dive immediately into strategy sessions, such as one with our primary male designer. I’d chuckle inwardly, reflecting on how mere moments earlier I had been exposed and vulnerable, yet now I was dissecting intricate user experience pathways with utmost professionalism.
I clocked out precisely at 5:00 p.m. to rush home for the evening ritual with the kids. My spouse was away on yet another work trip, leaving me solely responsible for sustaining, bathing, feeding, and settling our three little ones.
By 6:00 p.m., the nanny had departed. There I was, solo with a four-year-old, a two-year-old, and a five-month-old infant. A quick glance at the clock revealed just forty-five minutes before the household descended into pandemonium—a chaotic spectacle of wailing, tears, and frenzy involving every occupant, including myself.
Bathtime commenced amid this frenzy. My thoughts swirled with unfinished work tasks, pending grocery orders, the need to return my rented attire, until my toddler’s playful antics—a bare-bottom wiggle—yanked me back to the here and now.
Water splashed everywhere as the tub filled, signaling it was time to extract the children, dress them in pajamas, and prepare for slumber. Sweat beaded on my skin beneath the nursing bra; soon, I found myself cozied on a bean bag, reciting Goodnight Moon to the wide-eyed trio surrounding me.
I tucked the two older children into their cribs, activated the sound machine, dimmed the lights, and retreated to my bedroom to soothe and feed the baby. Exhaustion clouded my mind by this stage. Faint cries from the elders pierced the air, surging adrenaline through me, but I persisted in rocking and nursing. After about thirty minutes, silence finally enveloped the house. Tempted to transfer the dozing baby to his crib, I opted instead to hold him close—like a comforting weighted blanket—and pulled up my phone’s notes application.
You can have it all.
I entered those five potent words in short, rhythmic bursts, as though crafting an inspiring verse. Gazing at them, I pondered the underlying tension gnawing at me.
A Midnight Epiphany Transformed My Outlook
You.
Which ‘you’? The accomplished professional within resisted abandoning her thriving career, complete with premature exits for pumping sessions into sterile funnels. She thrived, exuding assurance in her capacity to influence the company profoundly. The vibrant, sensual side yearned for alternative uses of her body. Yet the maternal instinct simply craved endless nights cradling the infant, disregarding all external obligations, corporate or social.
The word ‘you’ encapsulated far too many personas for such a modest trio of letters.
Who precisely could claim to possess it all? Which iteration?
In that instant, the distinct characters I embodied daily crystallized before me. I recognized that forcing their fusion into one cohesive self only amplified inner turmoil and remorse.
We’ve long been conditioned to believe life’s pinnacle is total integration across all facets. Yet, drawing from two decades in my profession, raising three children, and navigating a divorce, I’ve discerned that alignment isn’t invariably the solution.
At times, the most beneficial approach is to deliberately compartmentalize.
I’m not identical when sealing business agreements versus narrating lullabies. My workplace persona resents skipping sessions for karate drop-offs. My family-oriented self ignores pings from communication apps and inboxes. Candidly, neither harbors much libido.
In my publication Toxic Grit, I present Character Theory—a structured method for identifying the varied roles you inhabit, comprehending them, respecting them, and crucially, isolating them.
Every facet of you possesses unique requirements, aspirations, and boundaries.
Striving for flawless harmony frequently entails blending incompatible elements. Rather, embrace the current role fully and master intentional shifts between them. This practice restores vitality, delight, and focus.
Master the Skill of Seamless Role Shifts
Eager to escape the sensation of mediocrity across all fronts?
The key lies in perfecting the ART of transitions.
You may lack the option to scale back activities… but elevating your transition game is essential. When managing multiple identities—like executive, parent, spouse, or caretaker—the drain stems less from duties themselves and more from the jarring switches. Enter the ART framework.
A = Assess
Prior to changing contexts, pause for thirty seconds and reflect: Which version of me emerges next? Consider the requisite energy, attitude, or focus. Transitioning from leader to storyteller demands a mindset pivot distinct from moving from solitary ideation to group interactions. Acknowledging the gap equips you, averting the disorientation of sudden immersion and subsequent depletion.
R = Routine
Having identified the target persona, employ a straightforward ritual to facilitate the change. Options include a brief stroll, outfit swap, signature tunes, or a favored beverage. Prioritize ease and repetition for optimal effect. These cues function as neurological triggers, announcing, “Brain, prepare to adapt.” Personally, Post Malone tracks paired with an iced latte signal executive readiness. Wine, a soak, and Frank Ocean evoke romantic evenings. Develop reliable signals for major roles to lighten cognitive burdens.
T = Transition
Final phase: Articulate it verbally. Declare the impending role. This intentional declaration severs ties to the prior state, preventing overlap. Phrases like “Mom mode engaged” or “Activating leader energy” suffice. Thus, Character Theory materializes—you enter a fresh narrative by voicing your character.
Fatigued from the elusive quest for equilibrium? If relentless alignment pursuits erode your essence, resources like Toxic Grit offer targeted guidance, including strategies to establish remorse-free limits, navigate roles fluidly, and abandon balance for purposeful unevenness.
